ओं मणिपद्मे हूं

I don’t feel like sharing or opening up. I do this reluctantly, yet willingly; struggling these days to be vulnerable yet knowing it’s good for me.

Last night I told the Viking I love him for the first time in my life in person. We’ve known each other for almost two years, are no longer together technically, but he’s the only person I’ve been sleeping with that entire time. Which isn’t to say I haven’t kissed other people or triangularly in numbers proportionately increased the level of intimacy with a steadily increasing number of men since jp & I broke up in march almost 6 months ago. We have been sleeping together off and on three or maybe four times since then. 

Essentially I told a man I love him, one who essentially told me all that men value me for is fucking. I’m of no worth to men if it isn’t for sex. He doesn’t believe I can have actual male friends who want anything more from me other than a vessel to put it in. He turns me into a commodity or a possession and I told him I love him for the first time ever. Holy shit.

Almost like he enjoys making me insecure and anxious. I just want to be trusted & comfortable.